its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
