cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize