Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
