it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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