You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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