how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
