cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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