Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
