I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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