god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
