Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Randomize
