...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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