Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
