it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
