i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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