All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
