I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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