I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
