was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
