I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
