I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why is there bacon in the couch?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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