Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Walk of Shame today included voting.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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