Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize