I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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