rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
