Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
50% drunk capacity currently
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
