the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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