I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Your cock deserves a montage
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
