when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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