i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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