I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think i got beer on your cat.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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