I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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