Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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