Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
