What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
