It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
