hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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