Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
