I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
