dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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