Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
