i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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