grandma shit on top of the toilet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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