Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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