How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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