Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
