Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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