I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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