Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
