Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
