So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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