apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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