I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
