the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize