I am in a vortex of obligation.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
