I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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