I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
