That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
