Ambien. No doubt about it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
These tits shall not be calmed
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
