Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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