Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
